more than broken

I remember 3.5 years ago when the pond was frozen and the sunset was beautifully beaming over it. I ran out on it to catch a better glimpse while my husband stood waiting on the trail. I was so broken, as I had been for years, it was just part of who I was. I had an abortion. I went through a horrible break up. I got married before I ever told my husband about my past. I wanted a baby but my womb remained empty. All of these things added onto my brokenness and I clung to it. But that year I wanted to do things differently. I wanted to do what He was asking me to do, and I wanted to let go of things I was wearing like a life jacket. And I felt His peace for a few minutes while I just stood there. I said a prayer, and I knew in my heart He heard it and it would come to be. 9 months later I found out I was pregnant with our first son, Gideon. I will always remember that moment on the pond, when I told God I trusted Him with my hearts desires and He told me He would come through. He did, and he still does, even now.

Fast forward 3.5 years later, and I had been holding onto the brokenness. Even in healing, it’s like I got dressed and the enemy is like, but don’t forget to put this on. And this. And this. All of the broken pieces. Like it’s my identity. When we lived in Detroit my husband and I were walking with our boys, I looked to him and told him I’m consumed with fear. I poured out all of my fears, while he smiled at the untruth of it all. He held my hand and declared all of the truths that he knew about me. And I believed him.

Later on I was washing the dishes when the Father gently let me know, it’s okay to be more than your broken. It’s okay to let those things go, like really let them go. It’s okay to see yourself the way I see you. Even when the enemy says something else, it’s okay to declare and remember and believe what is true.

And I sat on that for a few months, not sure where to begin. So I started in my worship. I stopped focusing on me, and literally lifted it up to Him. All of it. And the more I did it, the more things I left right at the altar. And I didn’t pick it up again. And I was unafraid to worship Him with all of my heart because I really had nothing to lose. And He began to do miracles that we were praying for. Big miracles that I’m still in awe of. So like a cycle, I worship Him deeper each time.

I looked in the mirror the other morning and I saw someone new. I told my heart, I like you. And it all just felt a lot less heavy. Because when He invites us into relationship, when He asks to take our brokenness, He is patient with it all. He is so kind and so gentle. And it’s taken me 7.5 years for it to finally click. That where He wants us to be in the end is just with Him. Not focused on a broken plan or a broken identity or a broken dream, just focused on the wholeness that is He. He makes us whole again but He won’t rush us in the process. And that just overwhelms me with His sweetness. How many times do I lose my patience waiting on someone, but He’s just been patiently waiting on me to see what He see’s.

tonight my husband and I went on a date, and we talked about all of the things we are learning from the Lord. I told him for the first time in what feels like my entire life, I’m shedding out of my broken skin. I’m seeing beyond myself and I’m focusing on His glory. The beautiful thing about living out a healed life, is that it doesn’t mean pieces won’t be broken again, but it does mean you can see beyond the pain. You don’t have to drowned in the sorrow. You can lift your hands in worship and focus on His glory. You see Jesus in it all and that is enough.

Oh, Abba, you are more than enough, more than the broken, you are more and always better. So much better than anything we leave at the altar.

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